28 March, 2011
I don't normally get real and deep on my blog, but on the slim chance I do...sometimes it is doozy. The beauty of a blog is I can get it out, but you DON"T have to read it! Your choice! This is me... raw and real!
I have had a lot of struggles this week in my heart and in life that spanned a lot of things that left me weeping in worship on Sunday at church. I won't bore you with all my struggles , but hopefully encourage you in my realizations and truth!
Who is them? Them is my family... my friends... my ministry team... my church. I have felt over the past few years ... that I at times have lost myself in relationships, in motherhood, and in ministry. Who have I become? Am "I" still in there or am I a version of what I am supposed to be for the minute it is needed? Have I missed something along the way? Am I where I am supposed to be? You ask... girl, why are you questioning these things? Don't you know that God places you where you need to be when He needs you there? Don't you know that God pre-ordained each minute of your life? Don't you remember that HE is in control of the good , the bad, and the ugly for HIS glory?
I do know this as truth, but sometimes during the breakdown of my walk with Him, the enemy sneaks in and allows my mind and my heart to hear and believe lies! I have been hit HARD this week by a lot of them and it has shaken me. Ranging from issues my husband and I are having- to I am nothing without "THEM". Obviously ALL lies.
It is so easy to get to this place if you are not seeking HIM daily by the minute. Staying in His word.
I was spurred on into this arena by a friend's tragedy this week. She lost her husband in a car accident after being married only for a year. I began grieving with her on my own. In my grief for her, the questions came in.... What would I do? What if my family or motherhood were taken away? My current ministry at my church allows relies on my motherhood as well. Who would I be? That definition of my life being stripped away would leave me with ... just "me"? I have been a mom for 13 years... I shutter at being just "me"... or have I enough identity in Christ to carry me through to be more than just me? Have I done things for this side of heaven that have been worthy of Christ in me? If I had to start over without my "definitions" would I be lost or know who I am? Am I just a mother and a wife now, or am I truly something greater?
Lesson learned through seeking his face: My true identity , my first identity, is daughter of the King. Anything beyond that is a blessing of my father. Jesus didn't seek an earthly identity. Uultimately Jesus’ identity, worth and power came from His Heavenly Father and not from the validation of any earthly being.
Have I involved myself in ministry in the areas that please him?
Ultimately my identity is in CHRIST! The lies are gone. HE has started a good work in me, and will carry it out to completion. I don't fear the lack earthly identity any longer. I know that whatever this world holds for me I am still daughter of the King. He holds me in his arms and loves me like crazy. This world will disappointment me, my husband will disappointment me, my kids may "hate" me someday in the heat of an argument, but...... those moments won't define me anymore.
Psalms 139 says...You have searched me, LORD, and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and goes on to say....
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
I am HIS and He is mine!!! If all things of this earth were to fade away and it is just He and I... I know that
I would be okay and have still have an identity..
I am also not JUST a mother or wife or daughter or friend... I am a minister to them! They are my ultimate ministry. Have I ever been bogged down by the stress, logistics, and same ole family stuff-- felt unappreciated or undervalued-- wanted to walk away? Of course... but instead of thinking of it as a loss of myself and not being validated for my work... I view it as my ministry... sometimes ministry doesn't go seen or valued on this side of heaven. Jesus lamented, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family” (Mark 6:4).
I will be upset, I will revisit these emotions and doubts, I will hear and believe lies again... it is only human, but I will strive to seek him daily, stay in His word, and remember who I am apart from "them"!!!
I choose to trust our often marginalized Messiah to shape my identity and define my future.
I love being a mom and having my earthy "definitions", but I will continue to strive to perfect my greatest identity of all... Child of God!!!
Labels: random thoughts